


Together Again

by kcracken



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 13:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcracken/pseuds/kcracken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon has lost the one person he loved the most and who loved him back. He is in pain and needs all of his friends to support him. And Spencer is the one to bring them all back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Spencer rolled over. His phone was ringing. Why the fuck was his phone ringing? What time was it? He picked up his cell. 3:15 am and there was a picture of Brendon and Dallon in almost a lip lock over the microphone during their tour staring at him. He answered. “What the fuck, dude, it’s…”

Dallon interrupted him rather quickly. “You need to come to the hospital. Now.”

“Hospital?” Spencer sat up quickly and ran a hand through his hair. “What happened? Who is it?”

“Sarah had an accident. She’s in surgery. You need to get here now, Spence.”

“Brendon?”

“Just get up and get your ass here now.”

 

Spencer was dressed and in his car within seven minutes. He was at the hospital ten minutes after that. Dallon was easy to spot. His being 6’3” helped since he towered over everyone else in the ER waiting room. He waved and Dallon quickly moved to intercept him. “What the hell happened?”

Dallon glanced over his shoulder to where Brendon was pacing. “After you left, he started drinking more. A lot more. Sarah got fed up with it, because you know how Bren is when he drinks, and she left.”

He nodded. They’d all been at Dallon’s house for a party. Spencer had left because, really, it sucks being the only one without a significant other in a house full of couples. Thirteenth wheel and all that. And he did know how Brendon was when he was drunk. He knew all too well, having been on tour with him for so damn long. “They argued?” he asked.

The taller man nodded. “She dumped him on me. Fifteen minutes after she’d left, he was begging me to take him home. I wasn’t exactly stone cold sober either, so Breezy drove. That’s when we came across the accident. Fuck, Spence, it was horrible.” 

Spencer’s breath caught in his throat. For Dallon to say something was awful, it had to be pretty bad. “What… what happened?”

“Head on. Dude was fucking drunk. Had to be. The car was totally fucked. They were working on getting her out when we got there. Bren was a fucking mess. Still is.”

“Fuck.” He rubbed a hand over his face, feeling the regret of having left early. “I’m…” He looked over at Bren, his brow furrowed with worry.

Dallon nodded and clasped him on the shoulder. “Yeah. He needs you.”

Spencer just nodded and walked over to where Brendon was already wearing out the floor. “Hey.”

Brendon didn’t hear or see him at first. He was wringing his hands together, staring intently at the floor as he paced. Then he noticed Spencer’s shadow and stopped, looking up. He didn’t say a word, just threw his arms around Spencer’s neck and hugged him tightly.

Spencer was used to this. He’d known Brendon for almost ten years. Brendon was a very physical person. He loved to touch. Spencer wrapped his arms around his back. “Sorry,” he muttered against Brendon’s shoulder.

“It’s my fault,” he said in a very tiny voice. “We argued. I was stupid.”

“You’re always stupid when you drink.”

His grip relaxed. “Yeah… yeah, I am.”

Spencer realized what he’d said. “Fuck, Bren, you know what I mean.”

“Still my fault.”

He sighed. Brendon was going to blame himself for the whole thing. Of course he would. “Look, man, she’s gonna be fine. They’ll fix her.” He tried not to wince when he said it, because just the look on Dallon’s face when he’d described the scene was enough for him to know that they might not be able to fix her.

Brendon just nodded. After a moment, he pulled away. “Thanks for coming.”

Spencer shrugged. “You’re my best friend. Of course I’d be here. Why don’t we go sit down?”

He nodded weakly and let Spencer lead him to a seat.

 

Three hours and about a dozen cups of coffee later, there’s movement. Spencer awoke from where he was dozing in a chair to see a doctor stepping towards Brendon, a grim look on his face. This was not going to be good.

He glanced at Dallon who had seen the same thing and knew exactly what was going on, too. They both moved towards where the doctor was talking with Brendon quietly. He saw his friend’s shoulders tense. Oh fuck, this was not going to end well.

“No,” Brendon said softly. “No… nonononoNONONO!” He was screaming as he turned to run. He didn’t get far as he felt arms wrapping around him. He looked at Spencer in shock. “Let me go, Spence. Let me the fuck GO!”

“No, Bren. I’m not.” Brendon was strong, but he was wiry. Spencer wasn’t out of shape, but he was compact. He tightened his arms as Brendon tried to wriggle away. “Come on, I’m taking you to my apartment.”

Dallon heard him and nodded. “Shane and I’ll take care of things here.”

“Thanks man,” Spencer said, hauling Brendon out to his car. He felt bad leaving Dallon and Shane to take care of this, but he knew how broken Brendon was. He put Brendon in the car then pulled out his phone as he walked to the driver’s side. He sent a text to a number he hadn’t used in quite a while. He hoped it was still active. It simply said: _Brendon needs you_

 

Brendon was a rag doll when he pulled up at his apartment building. He’d been eerily silent the entire drive. They sat in the car for a long moment. Just as Spencer moved to get out, Brendon broke. “It’s my fault,” he said softly. “It’s my fault Sarah’s dead.” Tears streamed down his cheeks.

Spencer sighed and sat back. “No, Brendon, it’s not your fault.”

“If I hadn’t been stupid and drank so much and got into an argument, we would have left together. And then…”

“You probably wouldn’t be here right now and an assload more people would be very upset, me included. I’m already upset, but I’d be even more upset. It was a fucking accident, Bren. Shit happens sometimes. You of all people know that. There is a reason for everything.”

He put his head in his hands. “Doesn’t help the hurt any.”

Spencer laid a hand on his shoulder. “I know, Bren. I know.” He got out and went around to help Brendon out of the car. He felt Brendon lean against him, trying to bury himself into his side. He put his arm around him as they walked into the building and up to his apartment. 

He unlocked the door and moved Brendon to the couch. “I’ll make coffee,” he said as Brendon sat down. He headed into the kitchen and checked his phone. He had a reply.

_WTF he does not_

He sighed and shook his head, typing out a reply. _There was an accident. Sarah didn’t make it._ He had enough time to get the coffee started before he got a reply.

_Where r u_

_My apartment. U remember the way?_

_FU see u in 10_

 

He was bringing a mug of coffee for Brendon when there was a knock on the door. He handed it to him before going to answer it. Ryan stood there, hands in his pockets, head ducked. Typical Ross. Spencer just stepped aside and let him enter. 

Brendon looked up in surprise. “Ryan?”

Ryan toed the rug, looking very nervous. “Spence told me what happened. I’m sorry, Bren. I know what she meant to you.”

Spencer went over and pushed Ryan towards the couch. “You want coffee?” he asked.

Ryan nodded as he moved to sit beside Brendon. Brendon watched him. He hadn’t changed a lot. His hair was different, but he was still skinny as fuck. He leaned into his bony side. It felt familiar. Ryan raised his arm and put it over his shoulder a little awkwardly. He snuggled against him more. Now it was very familiar and warm and comforting.

Spencer came back with a mug of coffee for Ryan to find Brendon attached to his friend’s side like nothing had happened. An eyebrow shot up as he handed Ryan the cup. Ryan shrugged with one shoulder and tipped the mug at him in thanks. “Zack’s on his way,” he said. “He’s going to go check on the dogs first. Jon’s trying to get on a flight.” 

It was weird. Ryan and Jon were the first people he thought to tell. Then he figured they might need Zack if word got out. Besides, Zack could handle Brendon better than any of them. He’d considered texting Brent, but he wasn’t even sure if the number he had was right. But out of everyone, he thought of Ryan and Jon first. 

He turned to step away from the couch when he felt a tug on his jeans. Looking down, he saw Brendon tugging him towards the couch. He sat down and Brendon pulled him closer until he was wedged firmly between Ryan and him. Brendon put a hand each on their knees and squeezed as he kept his head on Ryan’s shoulder.

Ryan glanced over at Spencer with a questioning look. Spencer just shrugged. Brendon was hurting and being weird, as usual. Spencer was glad Ryan was here and Brendon was okay with it. And when Jon arrived, it would be perfect. He leaned his head on Brendon’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

 

Zack walked down the hall to Spencer’s apartment. Brendon’s dogs had been spastic to say the least. Then again, what would you expect from dogs belonging to Brendon Urie? It had taken him forever to get them back in the house. Not that he wanted to go back into the house. Fuck, it was going to be so hard on Brendon when he went home. Reminders of Sarah everywhere.

He didn’t bother knocking, sticking his key in the lock and opening the door. He had keys to all of their homes. He usually had to go wake them up when it was time to head out. He even still had the key to Ross’ old place. He didn’t know why he kept it, just that he had. He walked in and stopped. 

On the couch sat Spencer, Brendon and one very tense looking Ryan Ross. Ross looked ready to spring the moment he’d entered. Zack saw his shoulders relax and his head incline in a greeting. “Ross,” he said as he closed the door. “I’m a little surprised to see you here.”

Ryan shrugged slightly with his free shoulder. “Spence said Brendon needed me.”

“Then I’m glad you came.” Zack moved over to sit in the chair nearest the door. “How long have they been out?”

“I can’t feel my arm anymore.” Ryan grinned.

Zack smiled. “You can move him, you know. I’m sure you remember.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” he said softly. “I… it kinda feels… normal.”

“We missed you, too.”

Ryan flushed slightly.

Zack sniffed the air. “Burnt coffee. Spence forgot to shut it off again. I’ll go make some fresh.” He got up and went into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Spencer’s phone rang, making him jump into the air, literally. “Fuck.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “Shit, gotta take this.” He got up and answered it as he was walking back towards his bedroom.

“How’s he doing?” Dallon asked.

“He’s asleep.”

“Well, he will have to come back to the hospital at some point. There’s stuff he needs to do.”

Spencer sighed. “I know. Just… he needs time right now. I turned off his phone. I’m sure it’ll explode when he turns it on.”

“Yeah, I know. Sarah’s parents just got here. They’ve asked about him.”

“Just… tell them he’s with me. If they want to drop by, tell them how to get here. I just…”

“I know Spence. It’s hard. It’s always hard to lose a loved one, but he has responsibilities that only he can take care of.”

Spencer scrubbed a hand over his face. “I know, and he will. I promise. I’ll get him back there before the day is out.”

There is a pause and Dallon sighs. “Before dinner, Spence.”

“Right, okay, yeah, we’ll be there.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and hung up the phone. He was getting a headache. Checking his messages, he saw one from Jon. He got on a plane over an hour ago. He’d be here in another three hours. 

Tossing his phone on the bed, he walked back in the living room. Zack had taken his spot on the couch and Brendon was now attached to him. Spencer moved to sit in the chair closest to Ryan. “Jon’s plane should be here in a couple of hours.”

“I can go pick him up,” Zack offered.

He nodded his thanks and turned his attention to Ryan. “So, you and Keyes… that’s a thing?”

Ryan had been rubbing his shoulder back awake, flexing his hand, when he heard Dan’s name come from Spencer’s mouth. He turned his head slowly to look at him and shrugged. “I guess. I mean, he makes me happy. Not, like, as happy as I was about ten years ago, but…” He left his thoughts hanging.

“What if…” Brendon said, turning his head towards Ryan. “What if you could be that happy again?”

He thought for a moment, not quite understanding what Brendon was getting at. “I… I guess I would like that. I don’t see it happening, though.”

“But what if?” Brendon sat up and reached for one of Ryan’s hands. “What if, you know, the band got back together and we recorded an album and went on tour and did all of those things we used to do…”

“You mean like the arguing and realizing we have different views on things?”

Spencer noticed Ryan hadn’t taken his hand back from Brendon yet. He glanced at Zack, who had also noticed. They both were watching the exchange with heightened interest.

Brendon sighed. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m sorry for everything I said. I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t care anymore. I’m sorry.”

“Brendon…”

He shook his head. “No, I’m serious. This… This has made me realize just how short life can be. Anything can happen at any time, and I want things back the way they used to be. I want us back together, making music, making people happy. Making us happy.”

“I…” Ryan started then closed his mouth. He had no response.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Spencer interjected. “I mean, Brendon really could use some help with his lyrics. And the guitar part. And syncopation.”

They all looked at him as he looked down at his hands, grinning broadly. Ryan and Brendon looked at each other in shock then grinned and busted out laughing, bumping against each other like they used to do. Zack was smiling as he watched. Yeah, this was good.

 

They started playing Halo and it was seriously like old times now. Brendon reaching over to grab Ryan’s controller. Ryan taking Spencer’s controller and holding it high over his head where Spence wouldn’t reach it. Zack having to break them apart.

Zack finally left to go pick up Jon and Spencer got up to go get his phone so he could call and order a pizza. He sent Jon a text saying Zack would be picking him up. He had text messages from everyone, Brendon’s family, Dallon, Ian, Shane, even Pete and Patrick. He skimmed through them as he walked back into living room. “I’m going to kill Dallon for telling everyone to text my phone.”

Ryan and Brendon had been shoving each other with their shoulders trying to make the other mess up. Brendon stopped and looked up when Spencer spoke, so when Ryan shoved back, he fell over. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Bren.”

“S’ok,” Brendon said, still staring at Spencer. “Who texted?”

Spencer looked up to see him staring intently at him. “Uh, pretty much everybody. Your family, Ian, Pete, Patrick. I just sent a mass text saying you’re okay, just need time and you’ll talk to them soon.”

He nodded and looked at the floor. Spencer could tell he was about to blame himself again. He immediately sat beside him and pulled him into a hug. “Don’t do it,” he said firmly.

Ryan looked at him curiously. Spencer looked up with a frown. “He keeps blaming himself. It’s not his fault. It’s the fucking asshole drunk who crossed the center lane and hit her head on. It is NOT your fault.”

Brendon didn’t move. He didn’t acknowledge that Spencer had even said anything. After a moment, he felt warmth at his back. Ryan was hugging him. His arms were long enough that he could reach Spencer’s shoulders, so he pulled them all together. Spencer looked over Brendon at Ryan. He had his head lying against Brendon’s. He took a deep breath and made a mental picture of this to always remember. 

The door opened and they jumped apart, bodies and arms flying in all directions. Zack raised an eyebrow, but walked in anyway. “Look who I found.”

Jon walked in behind him, carefully making sure his guitar case didn’t hit the door frame. Brendon was on his feet and leaping over the coffee table to launch himself at Jon. “Jon Walker, where the fuck have you been?”

Jon dropped his bags caught him, a smile on his face. “Where I always am,” he replied. “Sorry this visit isn’t under better circumstances.” 

Brendon nuzzled his neck, Jon’s beard tickling his ear. “Yeah, but you’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

The next thing he knew, he was being pushed aside, Ryan taking his place in hugging Jon. Then Spencer got his turn. Brendon smiled. This was nice. This was normal. This was how things were supposed to be. “Together again,” he said softly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer has a secret that only Ryan knows.

“I’m going back home after the memorial,” Spencer overheard Jon say to Ryan. They were on his balcony smoking. Ryan needed the fresh air and Jon obviously wanted to talk to him. Spencer stayed hidden near the sliding glass door. He was curious as to where the conversation was going. “I think you probably should, too.”

Ryan took a long drag on his cigarette and held the smoke for a moment before releasing it. “No, Jon.”

“Why not? Don’t you remember what they did? How they betrayed us? You?”

Ryan turned his head slowly to look at his friend, his former band mate. “Brendon supported me when my dad died. I’m returning the favor.”

So, that was it. Spencer waited for Jon’s answer, which actually took a while and surprised him. “Yeah, I know,” Jon said with a sigh. 

They stood in silence, finishing their cigarettes. Ryan finally spoke. “They want us back.”

Jon’s head shot up. “They?”

Ryan half shrugged. “Bren asked out loud, almost begging. Spence said it in his own way.”

“They haven’t said anything to me.”

“They probably assumed…” Ryan trailed off with a sigh. 

Jon shook his head as he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray shaped like the big neon Welcome to Las Vegas sign. “Well, if they want me on their next album, they have to ask. I’m still gone after the service.” He put a hand on Ryan’s shoulder and squeezed gently before going back into the apartment.

Spencer jumped and darted back into the kitchen. That was actually a lot to take in. But first, he had a mission. He let Jon move back into the living room where Brendon was still entrenched on the couch before heading onto the balcony.

Ryan had already lit another cigarette and was leaning against the rail, looking out at the view. Spencer moved over to stand beside him, mimicking his posture. You could see the ocean from here, the moon shimmering off the water creating a dreamy atmosphere. “I see why you picked this place,” Ryan said after a few moments of silence.

Spencer nodded. Ryan knew him well. “Why did you come?”

“Because you asked.” Ryan took a long drag on his cigarette, turning to look at him. 

He looked back. “Then why have you stayed?”

He turned his body towards him, resting his elbow on the rail, his other hand flicking ashes casually off his cigarette. “Do you remember that interview after my dad died and they took my phone from me and that asshole interviewer had to bring it up and everything?”

Spencer had to nod. He remembered that day vividly. Ryan was so on edge, trying to keep up with his family, finding out the funeral arrangements and everything. If he remembered correctly, Jon had actually flipped the guy off before they broke for commercial. That had been pretty epic.

“Brendon took my hand and held it. You rubbed my back. You three were the only ones I had. I just… I can’t leave Bren without him knowing that yeah, I still do care.”

Spencer’s mouth fell open. Did he hear Ryan correctly? “Dude, seriously?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Yes, seriously. I just can’t not care. You’ve been my friend for, like, forever. And Bren… he’s Brendon. He makes you care without you really realizing it.”

“Yeah, he does.” Spencer stood up straight. “He really appreciates you being here.”

“What about you?”

He took a step forward and hugged Ryan. “That answer your question?”

Ryan, awkwardly at first, put an arm around him and hugged back. “Miss you, Spence.”

 

Spencer left Ryan to finish his cigarette and went back inside. Well, at least Ryan was on board. He walked into the kitchen and nearly jumped to the ceiling when he saw Jon standing there staring at him. “Sheesh, Jon, I forgot how quiet you are.”

The corner of Jon’s mouth quirked up into a half smile. “Thought I’d make some coffee.”

“That sounds like a great idea.” He moved over to get the coffee out of the pantry. His coffee maker wasn’t one of those new Keurig things. When Spencer drank coffee, it was usually four or five cups. He needed a real coffee maker. Pulling open the drawer, he grabbed a filter. 

Jon took the coffee and filter from him, putting it in the coffee maker. “So, where’s Haley?”

Spencer froze. That was a topic he didn’t want to talk about, especially with Jon. But he’d asked and Spencer wasn’t the type to ignore a question that important. “Don’t know,” he said sullenly. “We split a while back.”

Jon paused and turned to look at him. “I’m sorry. You two seemed so happy.”

A bitter laugh escaped his lips before he could stop it and he sighed in defeat. “Yeah, things got kinda weird after Bren and Sarah’s wedding. She kept hinting at us getting married and I just…” He rubbed his eyes, letting out a loud breath. “I couldn’t commit, so she left.”

Jon was suddenly very close and Spencer felt a bit claustrophobic. He put a gentle hand on his arm and squeezed lightly. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. 

Spencer just shrugged. “Thanks. It’s… it’s better now. The twins have finally forgiven me. Not sure mom will ever, but…” He trailed off, the pain still fresh in his memory and betraying him by showing on his face.

“Hey, if you want, you can ask me what happened with Cassie. I owe you that much at least.”

“I already know what happened,” he replied softly, turning back to the counter. “Ryan told me. I’m really sorry about that. I really liked her.”

“So did I,” he replied. “Too bad she didn’t feel the same.”

Spencer nodded, looking down at the counter. He just couldn’t look in Jon’s eyes. He felt Jon squeeze his arm again and walk off. After a few heartbeats, when he was certain Jon was no longer in the room, he swore. “Fuck.”

“That would have been a great time to tell him, you know.”

He was so used to Ryan’s voice that he didn’t even flinch. He just raised a hand and flipped him off. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

Ryan leaned against the door jam, arms crossed over his chest, left leg crossed over his right. “I’m serious, it was the perfect time, and you passed it up. Again.”

He slammed his hand down on the counter. “He doesn’t want me. Fuck, nobody wants me.”

“Haley did,” he replied, his voice low. “But you didn’t want her. You wanted Jon.”

Spencer stood up straight, squaring his shoulders as he turned to look at his friend. “I told you to fuck off, Ross!” He stormed from the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Ryan waited a moment before pushing off the wall and walking into the living room. He shrugged when Jon and Brendon looked up at him curiously. “He can’t handle the truth, like always.”

Brendon pouted and looked down the hallway. He was about to get up and go back there, but Jon put a hand on his leg. “I’ll go,” Jon said. “The coffee should be ready anyway.” He stood and went into the kitchen, Ryan quickly taking his place beside Brendon.

 

Spencer wanted to put his fist through the wall. No, he wanted to put Ryan through the wall. Damn him for making things real. Yes, he’d had a crush on Jon Walker ever since he first came on their tour bus way back when he was working with The Academy Is… as basically a roadie. Fuck. He never tried to talk to Jon about it because someone was always in the picture. Most of the time that person was Cassie.

Cassie. Ryan said that Jon had asked her to marry him and she had done the same thing he’d done to Haley. Cassie couldn’t commit either. He sighed, really wishing Ryan hadn’t brought it up at all. He was doing good avoiding Jon, keeping the touching to a minimum, even though it’d only been two hours since he’d gotten there. He tapped out cadences on the bed beside him repeatedly.

There was a knock on the door and he tensed. “Leave me the fuck alone, Ryan.”

“It’s Jon. I brought coffee.”

Spencer swallowed. This wouldn’t go well no matter what he did. “It’s open,” he finally said and stuffed his drumsticks back under his pillow. Jon walked over and handed him a cup of coffee fixed exactly how he liked it. Of course Jon would remember. Jon remembered everything. Jon was perfect. “Thanks,” he said, taking the cup and blowing across the top before taking a sip. The steam curled around the edge of the mug and back toward his nose.

Jon nodded and sipped his. He remained quiet for a few minutes before speaking. “You keep your sticks under your pillow?”

Spencer grinned. “In case I have an idea in the middle of the night. Plus it helps relieve stress.”

Jon smirked back at him. “Yeah, I remember.” He took another swallow of coffee. “What did Ryan say to get you so pissed off?”

Spencer froze yet again. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. He was never going to be ready for it. Fuck Ryan and his fucking big mouth.

“Sorry…” Jon looked at him sheepishly over his coffee. He sat down on the bed beside him. “I just hate when he upsets you like that. You two have been friends forever. I know you’ll get over whatever the hell it was he said. Still doesn’t make me any less worried.”

Spencer sighed, his shoulders slumping, letting out the tension. “You don’t have to be worried about me. I’m fine.”

“Right. You’re taking care of one of your best friends after his wife died in a car accident. I know you, Spence. You’re stressing over all of this. It’s why you contacted Ryan and me. You know you’re going to need help with Brendon.” He reached over to rub Spencer’s back gently. “You probably did the right thing.”

He closed his eyes, feeling his warm hand sliding up and down his spine. He shuddered even though he wasn’t cold. The hand stopped and he felt Jon rise off the bed. He lifted his head to look up at Jon, who he had loved for so very long that it hurt, but didn’t say a word.

“Come out when you’re ready. I’ll go make sure the children haven’t broken anything yet.” He grinned, reverting back to when the band was together. He and Spencer had always called Ryan and Brendon the children, mainly because they acted like children all of the time.

Spencer just nodded in response, looking down at the floor. He didn’t see the deep frown on Jon’s face as he turned around and walked out of the bedroom. Spencer sat his coffee on the bedside table and grabbed his drumsticks, throwing them across the room at the wall.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer realizes it's time to open up about his secret and gets a great surprise in return.

Spencer finally gathered himself together enough to go back in with the others. Also, he’d looked at the clock and realized Dallon would be calling to wring his neck (figuratively, he hoped) because he hadn’t brought Brendon back to the hospital. He already had half a dozen texts from him. Since when was Spencer the irresponsible one? Oh right, since early this morning.

When he got to the doorway into the living room, he stopped. The sight that greeted him was something for the record books. They had dragged out his Rock Band stuff and were playing. Zack (Zack?!) was busting out his best Axle Rose impersonation on Guns n’ Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle.” Ryan was behind the drums playing pretty well. Jon and Brendon were on guitars and somehow Brendon had found a top hat and was wearing it, even though he was definitely playing the bass part.

He waited for them to finish and applauded with the “audience” from the game. “Not bad,” he said, checking out their scores. “Ninety-nine on hard for Zack.”

Zack grinned and twirled the microphone in a very Brendon manner. 

Spencer moved to pat Ryan on the shoulder. “An impressive Ninety-seven for Ryan on drums set at…” He squinted at the television. “Expert? Nicely done!” He then moved to take the hat off of Brendon and moved to place it on Jon’s head, keeping as far from him as possible as he did so. Brendon whined, but Spencer shushed him. “You weren’t playing Slash’s part, Bren. Jon was, so he gets the hat.”

Everyone laughed, Brendon included.

Spencer’s laughter turned into a serious face. “Um, Bren, you’ll have to sit out for a while. We’ve got to get back to the hospital.”

Everyone froze. Ryan and Jon watched Brendon’s reaction. Zack was moving closer to the door so he could block it in case Brendon decided to flee. However, Brendon’s shoulders just dropped and he sighed, pulling the guitar strap over his head. “My parents are there?” he asked sadly, placing the guitar back on the rack Spencer had.

He nodded. “And your in-laws. Matt and Kayla are there, too.”

“Okay,” he replied in a tiny voice. 

Spencer felt really bad. Brendon looked so small standing there, just like he had when he’d gotten him in his car. He looked up and saw Jon putting up his guitar and Ryan moving the drums before going to Brendon’s side. “We’ll come with you,” Ryan said, putting an arm around Brendon’s shoulders.

“Right,” Jon echoed. “Friends have to stick together.”

Brendon looked up, smiling softly. He reached his arms out towards Jon, who smiled and moved into them, letting the younger man wrap him in a hug. “Love you, Jon Walker. Love you, Ryan Ross.”

Jon and Ryan both chuckled and wrapped their arms around Brendon. “I think someone’s missing,” Ryan said, glancing at Spencer.

Spencer hesitated for a moment then came over to join the hug fest. He glanced at Zack, who was rolling his eyes. He raised an eyebrow and Zack sighed dramatically and came over to wrap his arms around all of them. 

Ryan was the first to get uncomfortable, of course. He wiggled out of the hug and headed for the door. “We better go,” he said.

Zack was next, heading into the hall to check if there was anyone about. Jon slipped out and Spencer was trying to leave, but Brendon pulled him closer. “Thanks,” Brendon whispered into his ear. 

Spencer smiled and relaxed a little. “Always, Bren. You’re my best friend.”

 

They took Spencer’s car because, well, his was the largest between Zack, Ryan and his. He drove a hybrid SUV. His excuse for having a SUV was because of hauling around his drums, even though he really didn’t have to do that himself anymore. He still did it. He watched Zack put Brendon in the back seat and slide in beside him.

On the other side of the car, Jon opened the back door to get in, but Ryan slipped in ahead of him. “Aw, thanks, Jon,” he said with a grin. Jon rolled his eyes and closed the door before moving to get in the passenger seat. 

Spencer climbed behind the wheel and buckled his seatbelt. He looked up, figuring Ryan would be sitting beside him and locked eyes with a pair of honey brown eyes that were not Ryan’s. He froze for a moment, but shook it off quickly and started the car. He looked in the rear view mirror to see Brendon poking and prodding Zack and Ryan to get comfortable.

It wasn’t a long drive to the hospital. Spencer found a parking space and pulled in. Zack dragged Brendon out and Ryan followed. When Spencer was certain they were all far enough away from the car, he sighed and lowered his head to the steering wheel. He was tired and worried.

“Are you okay, Spencer?”

The voice was soft, but he jumped nearly to the roof anyway. “Fucking hell, Jon. I thought you’d gotten out with the others.”

“I was worried about you.” Jon looked very worried, too. It made Spencer feel bad. He never wanted anyone to be worried about him. He was the one who was supposed to worry about everyone else. “Brendon told us. He told us why Sarah left. He told us why he’d been drinking.”

Spencer couldn’t stop the sarcastic laugh that bubbled up and out of him. “Try being the only single guy in a room full of couples.”

Jon reached over and placed a hand on his arm. “It’s not your fault, Spence.”

He stiffened slightly and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back tears. “If I hadn’t left…” he said in a very small voice.

“It’s not your fault,” Jon repeated very adamantly. “It’s not your fault. It’s not Brendon’s fault. It’s not Sarah’s fault. It’s that fucker who was stupid enough to drive with so much alcohol in his system.”

“But…”

Jon shook his head. “No ‘buts’. Not even Brendon’s cute one wiggling all over the place.” He saw the corners of Spencer’s mouth tug upwards ever so slightly. “It was not your fault.”

Spencer had to admit that Jon was right. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Brendon’s or Sarah’s fault. It was a dumb ass accident that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. He ran a hand over his face, trying to calm himself. He had to keep it together for Brendon.

“We probably should go before they begin to wonder.”

He nodded and unhooked his seatbelt. Jon still had his hand on his arm. He looked up into his eyes. The worry behind them was palpable to him. He took a deep breath and nodded again. “I’m okay,” he said softly.

Jon smiled and squeezed his arm gently before letting go and getting out of the car. They walked side by side up to the hospital, bumping into each other like they used to do on tour. Spencer felt a lot better by the time they walked into the lobby.

He looked around to see where people were. Ryan was talking animatedly with Shane. Brendon must have been in the middle of the group of people Spencer recognized as his family. And Dallon was headed right for them. Jon nudged him and motioned with his head towards where Ryan was. He just nodded and waited for Dallon to approach.

“Walker,” Dallon said with a nod as he passed Jon, who also nodded in greeting. Spencer knew how Dallon felt about replacing Jon in the band. He’d been worried, probably still was, how people would react, how Jon would react. And now Spencer knew how Jon felt about what happened. He was pretty sure they’d both be nice for Brendon. But what about later? What if he could talk Jon into staying? Then what?

Dallon’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “You made it. I was just about to call when they walked in.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He ran a hand through is hair.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you called Ross and Walker. It’s good that they’re here.”

Spencer nodded absently. He wasn’t really paying attention. He was watching Jon talk with Ryan and Shane, then turned his gaze to where Brendon was climbing up on Zack’s back. He saw Matt roll his eyes and reach up to ruffle Brendon’s hair.

“Dude, have you slept at all?” Dallon looked at him with that same worry that Jon had. “Seriously, you should just go home. We’ll get Bren back to your place.”

He blinked and looked up. “Huh? Oh, yeah. Um, yeah, I’ll go after I talk to Brendon’s family.”

Dallon put a hand on his shoulder. “Just make it quick. You need your strength in order to handle him, you know. We’re putting his folks and Sarah’s up at the house. Pete’s arranging security, y’know, just in case. Probably should have Zack go and stay until they show.”

He nods. “That’s a good idea. The dogs, though… maybe they should come to my place. Bren might like that.”

“Oh, that’s brilliant. Zack can bring them when he comes back. He probably should pick up some clothes for Brendon, too.” He pulled out his phone and started making notes. 

Spencer watched him and realized just how much Dallon is doing. “Thanks for this,” he said, gripping the taller man’s shoulder firmly. “If it wasn’t for you, this would be one hell of a mess.”

He shook his head. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Spence. You’re the one who’s kept Brendon sane. Now, go speak and then go home and get some rest.” He pats his shoulder and shoved him towards Brendon’s family.

He stumbled a step or two, but smiled as he did. “Get off Zack, Bren,” he said as he came up behind them. 

Brendon jumped down and Kayla moved to give Spencer a hug. “Thanks for looking after my baby brother,” she whispered in his ear.

He smiled at her and was immediately engulfed by Brendon’s mom. “Spencer, so good to see you. We’re glad you’re here to take care of our baby boy.”

“Moooooom,” Brendon rolled his eyes but was quickly cuffed on the back of the head by Mark. 

She held Spencer at arm’s length and frowned. “You look tired. You should go on home and get some rest. I know how much energy it takes to keep up with Brendon.”

“I will,” he replied with a soft smile. “I just wanted to say hello first.”

“And you have,” Zack said from beside him and he felt a familiar hand on his elbow guiding him away. Well, that was Zack’s normal job. He waved as Zack led him away from the group. “She’s right. You need someone to drive you back, though.”

He finally felt the exhaustion hit him. “Yeah. I’ll… I’ll get Jon to take me. Will you make sure Ryan gets a ride?”

Zack smiled. “Of course. I remember how to take care of skinny boy.”

He chuckled. “Thanks, Zack. Glad you’re here.” He disengaged himself from Zack’s grip and walked over to where Ryan, Jon and Shane were still talking. He flopped down in the chair beside Jon and leaned on his shoulder.

“You okay, Spence?” Shane asked, head tilted at he looked at him.

“He hasn’t slept,” Ryan said. “You can tell. He’s getting bitchy.”

Spencer lifted a hand, flipped Ryan off, then dropped it again. 

Jon nudged him with his shoulder and held out a hand in front of Spencer. “Keys. I’ll drive you home.”

Spencer didn’t move. He was too comfortable. He felt someone kick his shin, Ryan obviously. “Fuck, okay.” He dug his keys out and dropped them in Jon’s hand. “Zack said he’d get you back, Ry.”

“Fuck you,” Ryan replied, grinning. “Get him home safely, Jon. Bren and I will be back sometime.”

“I will.” Jon stood and pulled Spencer to his feet. “Come on, lazy. Let’s get your ass out of here.” 

Spencer was surprised at how tired he was, but he walked out of the hospital under his own power and back to his car. “You really don’t have to take me. I can drive.”

Jon snorted. “You can barely keep your eyes open. Get in the car, Smith.”

He did as he was told and slumped down in the seat as Jon drove him home. He didn’t know why he’d suddenly gotten so tired. Maybe his body was rebelling. Regardless, he was going to get into bed and take a nice, long nap.

 

Jon helped him in the apartment and back to his room. Spencer sat down and kicked off his shoes before falling back on the bed. Jon smiled down at him and turned to leave, but he reached out and grabbed his arm. “Don’t go,” he said softly. When Jon turned to look at him, he looked back into his eyes. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Jon stood there for a moment before nodding and let himself be tugged onto the bed beside him. It wasn’t like this was the first time they’d been in a bed together. They were on tour for months at a time. This wasn’t unusual. But it was.

Spencer rolled to face Jon. It was time; he needed to tell him how he felt. He had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch his face. “Jon, there’s something I need to say.”

At the same time he spoke, Jon said, “Spence, there’s something I need to…” He laughed and saw Spencer smile. Well, they both had something to say. That was good. “Go ahead.”

Spencer shook his head. “No, you first.”

He nodded and pursed his lips. “Well, um, I wanted to tell you why Cassie said no to me.”

“You don’t have to,” Spencer argued. “That’s personal, just between you and Cassie. I have nothing to do with it.”

“Actually, you kinda have a lot to do with it.”

Spencer’s eyes widened and saw Jon’s face turning red. “What?”

He took a deep breath. “Cassie said no because she knew I was in love with someone else. She knew that I would never be able to give her my whole heart. She said no because she knew I was still utterly and madly in love with you.”

Time stopped.

Spencer couldn’t breathe. Did he really hear Jon correctly? “You… you’re in love with me?” he asked, his voice sounding so tiny.

“I have since the first time I saw you backstage on your first tour.”

“When you were working for Academy?”

Jon grinned. “You guys had just finished your set and you came bouncing off the stage with this huge smile. I couldn’t help but get caught up in your enthusiasm. I remember Tom asking me when we were setting up what had me in such a good mood. I just shrugged him off.”

“Shit,” Spence breathed.

“Yeah, I know. It’s kinda weird. But I thought I needed to tell you. Finally.” He paused for a moment then looked in his eyes. “So, what did you want to tell me?”

He really didn’t know the best way to respond, so he did the first thing that came to his mind. Spencer leaned towards Jon and kissed him. When he broke the kiss to breathe, he leaned his forehead against Jon’s. “I’ve loved you since then, too.”

It was Jon’s turn to be surprised. “You… you have?”

He nodded and leaned back to look in Jon’s eyes. “It’s why I couldn’t commit to Haley.”

“Fuck.”

He laughed. “Not yet. I do need some rest, but I really would like to kiss you again.”

Jon joined him in laughing. “I would really like for you to kiss me again.”

And Spencer did, languidly, soft at first then quickly deepening, hands entangling in hair, beards scraping against each other. Spencer was so relieved that it had finally happened. He’d be able to rest a little easier now that he had gotten that off his chest.

Jon pulled back, smiling at him and smoothing his hair down with his hand. “We have plenty of time for more of that. Right now, you need sleep.”

He nodded, feeling the exhaustion hitting him again, but his heart felt much lighter. “Stay with me?”

“Always.” 

Spencer smiled and rolled over, pulling Jon’s arm around him and easily fell into a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after with breakfast and a call from Pete.

Bacon.

Spencer smelled bacon as he awoke. That told him it was morning already. He rolled over and found his bed empty and cold. That told him that Jon had left at some point, probably when he started snoring. They guys had always made fun of his snoring on the bus. Wasn’t very fair, really. He couldn’t help that he snored.

He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and stretched. He picked up a t-shirt from the floor and pulled it on. Standing, he headed out of his room and towards the kitchen.

He heard the clicking of claws on the hardwood floor and saw Penny Lane running to him. He bent down and picked her up, letting her kiss him before carrying her into the kitchen. The scene that greeted him made him smile. Ryan and Brendon were fighting over a cereal box and Jon was standing at the stove cooking eggs and bacon. 

“I found something in the hall.”

Ryan and Brendon froze mid argument and Brendon jumped up quickly and came to take Penny out of Spencer’s arms. “How’s my little lady,” he said to her in a high pitched voice, his face right against hers as she licked him all over.

Spencer grinned then found a mug of coffee under his nose. “Morning,” Jon said, handing him the mug. He took it, looking at the color. It was perfect. Just how he liked it. The color, he realized, matched Jon’s eyes.

“Thanks,” he said, taking a sip. “Mmm, perfect.”

Jon smiled. “You’d think I would know how you like your coffee after fetching it for so long.”

Spencer smiled. “Coffee and breakfast. What did I do to deserve this?”

Brendon, still holding Penny, hugged him with one arm. “Because you’ve been awesome, like always, at taking care of us.”

His face flushed and he hugged Brendon back. “Then thanks.” He let go of his friend and moved to sit at the table. Ryan was grinning at him from across the table. He wasn’t quite sure exactly why he was grinning so broadly, but Spencer liked it.

 

They sat around the table eating breakfast and chatting like nothing had changed since their split. Spencer couldn’t keep his eyes off Jon, as hard as he tried. There were a few times his leg “unintentionally” touched Jon’s. 

Brendon was up from the table first, going to take Penny out. Spencer stood and said he’d do the dishes and Ryan offered to help. Jon ended up going with Brendon since Zack wasn’t back yet. Spencer started getting the sink ready for the dishes and looked at Ryan. “Are you sick or something? You never volunteer to help with anything.”

Ryan smirked at him. “Well, I wanted to be able to tell you congratulations.”

“For what?” He looked at him curiously.

“Finally telling Jon. So who said it first?”

His face turned beet red. “Said what?”

“’I love you’ and seriously, dude, could you have been more obvious while we were eating? You couldn’t keep your eyes off him.” Ryan grinned.

“That’s really none of your…” He paused and huffed in irritation. If he didn’t tell him, Ryan would bother him forever for an answer. He looked down at the dishes covered in soapy water and muttered, “He did.”

Of course Ryan heard him. His friend snorted. “Chickened out again, huh?”

“Actually, we tried to speak at the same time, but I let him go first. I had no idea what he was going to say.” He began washing the dishes, handing them to Ryan to rinse and put in the drain. “Does Brendon know?”

Ryan shrugged. “I doubt it. He was too busy looking at me and Jon to notice you. I think he was amazed that we're still here.”

They worked in quiet for a while, Spencer figuring Ryan had gotten what he wanted. “It’s stupid to think it was your fault,” Ryan said, breaking the silence.

Spencer kept washing. They were almost finished. “It’s how my mind works. You should know that.”

Before Ryan could answer, Brendon walked into the kitchen talking on the phone. “Yeah, he and Ry are washing dishes. I know! I'll take a picture, I promise. Hang on.” He held the phone out towards Spencer. “Pete wants to talk to you. I’ll finish the dishes.”

He turned and looked at the phone then at Brendon. Bren looked perfectly normal. With a sigh, he wiped off his hands and took the phone. “I do not want to come back in here and see water everywhere,” he said, pointing a finger at Brendon and Ryan. “I swear. Behave, you two.”

He walked from the room hearing Brendon and Ryan giggling behind him. He put the phone up to his ear as he shook his head. “What’s up, Pete.”

“Spence! Just wanted you to know we’re going to have a memorial for Sarah tomorrow night. I’ve talked to about everyone from FBR and everyone else we know. They all want to be there. In fact, Hayley, Jeremy and Taylor are canceling their gig tomorrow night to attend. Tried to talk Hayley out of it, but she’s insistent.”

Spencer walked into the living room as he listened to Pete. Jon was sitting on the couch watching TV, so he went to sit beside him. “Well, she is a rather strong individual.” He slid his hand into Jon’s.

“Gee and Mikey are coming, too. William, Gabe, Vicky, Greta… everyone we’ve toured with. They all want to support you guys.”

“Bren. They’re supporting Bren.”

“Nah, they’re supporting all of you. Hey, by the way, I think it’s great you got Ross and Walker to show up. Means a lot to Brendon.”

“All I did was tell them what happened. They did the rest.” He squeezed Jon’s hand and smiled at him.

“But you contacted them first. Stop trying to put the credit on someone else, Smith. This is all you. Hey, I gotta run. I’ll call you tomorrow with the finalized plans.”

“Okay, Pete. Talk to you then.” Spencer hung up the phone and tossed it aside and laid his head on Jon’s shoulder. He looked up and finally realized that Zack was there. He must have gotten back while Brendon and Jon were outside. He was looking back at him with a raised eyebrow. Spencer stiffened and Zack smiled.

Jon raised his arm and put it around Spencer’s shoulder. Brendon and Ryan appeared in the living room, shoving each other and grinning. Brendon saw Spencer lying against Jon and pouted. “No fair hogging Jon, Spencer.” He plopped down on Jon’s other side and curled up against him. “Ah, better,” he said when Jon put his arm around him, too.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Damn Jon, you’re such a fag.”

“Takes one to know one,” Jon replied with a grin on his face and Ryan smiled back. 

“Dear God,” Zack said with an exasperated sigh. “I feel like I’m back on the bus with you guys.”

Brendon started giggling first then everyone else began laughing. It really did feel like they were back on tour. Maybe they could make it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer really does love Jon. Pete arranges a memorial with all of their old friends.

Spencer woke up in his bed. He didn’t remember getting into bed. He swore he fell asleep with Jon on the couch. They had spent the day catching up and playing a few songs, after Ryan went to fetch a couple of more guitars for Brendon and him. Jon had brought his, but it wasn’t as if Spencer had guitars lying around. He was a percussionist. He had things like snare drums, cymbals and tambourines lying around his house. Ryan did bring back a shaker for him as a joke. Whenever they played acoustic sets, Spencer was always relegated to the shaker and sometimes a tambourine.

Ryan went to bed first. Spencer wondered when he’d become the old man of the group. Brendon wasn’t far behind and Spencer should have gone, too, but he really wanted to spend time with Jon. That’s why he was sure he fell asleep with Jon. So, how did he get in his bed?

He looked at the clock and noticed that it was only 7:30 in the morning. What the hell was he doing up? Something must have woken him. He stood and yawned, stretching his body before going to check on everyone. He was barely out of his bedroom when he saw Brendon stumbling down the hall with Penny in his arms. 

“She had to go out,” he said by way of explanation. Spencer just nodded and Brendon moved to hug him. After a moment, Spencer felt more of Brendon’s weight on him and realized his friend was relaxing a bit too much. He smiled and put an arm around him and walked him back to the guest room. Brendon sat down on the bed and Penny went to lie on the pillow. “Thanks,” he said as he crawled under the sheet and quickly was asleep.

Spencer noticed Penny watching him intently even as he closed the door. The little dog was rather protective of Brendon. That was good. As he stood in the hall, he looked over at the door to the other guest room. It was still shut and he could hear Ryan’s soft snoring through it. He walked to the living room to check on Jon and Zack.

Zack was sprawled out in his chair, a blanket spread haphazardly over him. The couch, however, was empty. He was about to panic when he heard the soft strumming of a guitar out on the balcony. He walked over to see Jon sitting in one of the chairs, bare feet propped up on the railing as he played his guitar. Sliding the glass door open, he stepped out and sat down in one of the other chairs.

Jon looked up and smiled when he saw him. “I’m still on Chicago time,” he said, answering his unasked question.

Spencer nodded and put his feet up next to Jon’s. “Still damn early,” he said with a grin. He leaned his head back as Jon started playing again. The music was soothing. He felt very relaxed. 

A short time later, the music stopped, but he was feeling so comfortable that he didn’t open his eyes, at least not until he felt something running along his leg. His eye snapped open and he saw Jon’s foot moving slowly along his calf. Swallowing hard, he turned his head to look at Jon. Jon was looking back at him, smiling softly. 

Jon’s foot was sliding up under the leg of his pajama pants. Spencer realized he was getting extremely turned on. He really wanted to kiss Jon right now. As he got to his feet, Jon placed his guitar aside. This was one time Spencer really was glad his chairs didn’t have arms. He straddled Jon’s lap and grasped his face in his hands as he leaned forward and kissed him.

Jon’s hands found his hips and slid up under his shirt, gently rubbing his skin. Spencer moaned softly and ran his tongue over his lips before sliding into his mouth and along his tongue. Jon’s fingers flexed against his back and he moaned into his mouth. Spencer probed deeper, his hips thrusting forward on their own and a low, dirty growl came from deep in this throat. 

“Spencer,” Jon murmured against his lips. “Spence, we should stop.”

Spencer let out a whine and broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against Jon’s. “Why?”

Jon chuckled. “We have plenty of time for this later. Right now, we need to think of Brendon. And I’m not going anywhere.”

He leaned back to look into those beautiful brown orbs. “You promise?”

That got a laugh out of Jon. He leaned to kiss Spencer briefly. “I promise. Now that I know what I want, I want to keep it. I want to keep you.”

Spencer smiled. “I’m glad.”

“So am I. Now, why don’t you go get some more sleep? I’m still two hours ahead. And you’re going to need to be well rested for tonight. I have a feeling it’s going to be rough on all of us.”

He nodded and kissed him one more time before getting up and heading back inside. He stopped before closing the door. “I love you, Jon.”

“I love you, too, Spence.”

 

Spencer was pacing. The car Pete was sending would be there in twenty minutes and Ryan and Brendon weren’t ready yet. They were used to Ryan taking so long, but Brendon was usually reliable. 

“Calm down, Spence,” Jon said from the couch. “They have plenty of time.”

Spencer sighed. “I know. I’m just… worried. Nervous. Ready for this to be over.”

Jon stood and moved to wrap his arms around Spencer from behind. He felt him lean back into him, relaxing a little. “Why don’t you go check on Brendon? I’ll get Ross moving.”

He nodded, but didn’t move right away. He wanted to memorize the feeling of Jon’s arms. Finally, he pulled away and walked down the hall. He tapped on the door before opening it. “Bren? Are you about ready yet?” 

He looked around the room and found Brendon sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, a pillow clutched tightly in his arms against his chest. Penny was in his lap protectively. Spencer moved over and sat down in front of him. “I can’t do it, Spence.”

“I know you don’t want to, but you can.” 

“I don’t want to. I want her back, Spence. I want her back.”

Spencer opened his arms and Brendon crawled into them, burying his head into his chest and cried. He gently stroked his back. “I know, Brendon. I know.”

Fifteen minutes later, Spencer emerged from Brendon’s room with Penny in his arms. He looked worn out. He stepped into the living room to see Jon and Ryan waiting. He handed Penny to Ryan. “Take her out, please. I need to go change my shirt.”

“Is Brendon okay?” Jon asked, worry clear on his face.

“He’s better,” Spencer responded. “Just hit one of those walls.” He turned and headed back to his room to change.

He took off his shirt and tossed it on the floor as he headed into the closet. Brendon had cried for almost ten minutes straight, then he finally settled and Spencer had convinced him everything was going to be okay, that he had them to support him. He pulled another shirt off its hanger.

“Are you okay?”

He jumped, Jon’s voice surprising him. Turning to face him, he shook his head. “I just had to talk my best friend down. He was so distraught and I didn’t… I didn’t know what to say.” His arms fell to his side limply. 

“You did what you needed to. Brendon is going to need us a lot right now. I know it’s hard. But like I said this morning, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here for you.”

He blinked up at him and smiled. Wrapping his arms around him, he hugged him tightly. “Thank you.”

“Now, get dressed. The car will be here soon.” He placed a light kiss on his temple before backing out of his arms and the closet, walking back to the living room.

 

The place was packed. Spencer hadn’t seen half the people there in years. It was great to see them, though. And to know that they were all there to support Brendon was amazing. Pete had taken them to a spot near the front of the room. Patrick and Elisa had been waiting for them to offer their condolences. Pete then pulled Brendon over a bit away from them. Spencer wondered how Pete knew how to throw together something like this so quickly.

Spencer looked up to see William Beckett walking towards them. “Hey, Bill,” he said in greeting just as he was being wrapped in a hug. 

William pulled back and looked at him. “How are you holding up? I know how you can be, Spence.”

He shrugged. “I’ll make it. I have to, for Brendon’s sake.”

He smiled and glanced over at Jon. He grabbed him with one of his long arms and pulled him over. “Good to see you, Jon. I’m sure you’ll be helping this guy.” He grinned knowingly and Jon flushed.

Spencer looked between them. “He knows?” he asked incredulously.

“For a very long time, Smith,” William said with a grin. “Remember that first tour together? This guy couldn’t keep his eyes off you, even with Tom around.”

Jon’s face grew even redder. “Shut up, Beckett. It was none of your business then, and it’s definitely not your business now.” He was grinning as he spoke.

William laughed. “Hey, I’m happy for both of you. Finally, you gave into your temptations.”

Spencer couldn’t help but smile. He loved the flush to Jon’s cheeks. “I’m glad, too,” he said, his eyes on Jon.

Jon smiled at him and William hugged him tighter then moved over to talk to Brendon. “Sorry about that,” he said to Spencer after he left. “I guess we must be a bit obvious.”

“Maybe to those who really know,” Spencer replied with a grin.

They turned back to the room, both of them keeping an eye on Brendon. Ryan was off to the side with Dan, but they knew he was watching, too. They were like three mother hens, watching over their young. 

Many of their friends came by. Hayley did as she had threatened and canceled their show to be there. The boys from Fun and The Academy Is… were there. Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray from My Chemical Romance showed up. Gee had hugged Brendon for almost five minutes. Luckily Lyn-Z was there to pull him off, though Brendon seemed much better afterwards.

They were continuously bombarded by people, never knowing who would be next. Spencer looked up and saw Keltie making a bee line for Ryan. “Oh shit, this won’t go well,” he muttered.

Jon followed his gaze and raised an eyebrow. “Hm, that is interesting.” He dragged his eyes across the floor, looking at the others wandering around and then saw someone that made his eyes widen. “Uh, Spence?” 

“What?” He looked back at the crowd and saw her. Haley, his Haley, was walking right towards them. He took a step back and bumped into Jon, who laid a hand on the small of his back comfortingly. “Haley,” he said in greeting as she got to them.

She stopped and glanced at Jon then back to Spencer. “I’m here for Brendon,” she said. “Sarah was a friend, you know, as is Cassie.” She pointedly said the last to Jon.

Spencer and Jon looked at each other in panic. “I know,” Spencer replied. “I’m glad you’re here, really. I mean, Brendon needs all of his friends.”

She nodded sharply. “I hope you’re okay, too, Spencer. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I’m not,” he said. “At least not now. Someone made me realize that it wasn’t my fault.”

She smiled softly then stepped forward to hug him. “Deep down I still love you,” she whispered in his ear. “But I know you are now happier than you ever were with me.”

He relaxed into her arms. She knew and she understood. This made him feel so much better. “I am, Haley. And I’m sorry. I do love you, just not how I love him.”

“I know.” She stepped back and kissed his cheek before letting go. “Take care. Both of you.”

 

The service was nice. It felt odd to be sitting beside Jon without Ryan there, but he had insisted on sitting with Dan towards the back. It was the only time he wasn’t there for Brendon then entire night. 

He sat on Brendon’s left, with Dallon on his other side. Brendon had both their hands tightly in his, though Spencer noted that it was his shoulder that Brendon was leaning on. Jon didn’t hold his hand, but he was sitting extremely close, making sure their bodies touched. It made Spencer feel better, safer.

Pete had a lot of people come up and speak about Sarah and what a wonderful and kind woman she had been. Brendon’s hand tightened on his every time her name was said. He squeezed back every time, reminding him he was there. He could feel Brendon smiling against his shoulder. 

It lasted about thirty minutes, long enough for everyone to have their say, but short enough not to upset anyone. Brendon went to thank everyone who’d spoken, so Spencer and Jon stood to the side. Soon, Pete and Ryan approached them. “Guys, Ryan just had the most awesome idea,” Pete said. 

Spencer raised an eyebrow. “Okay, what’s that?”

“You know how Brendon wants us to play together, right?” Ryan said.

Spencer glanced at Jon and saw him listening to Ryan intently. “Yeah,” he replied.

“Well, I thought maybe we could do a compilation album. You know have like an all-star band with us, Frank, Dallon, Ray, Joe, Andy, and whoever else. Then all the singers can, you know, sing songs by other groups. Like Hayley can sing a Fall Out Boy song, Patrick can sing something from Fun or whatever.” He shrugged.

Spencer considered Ryan’s proposal. It was actually pretty good. “That’s not a bad idea,” he said.

Jon nodded in agreement. “I actually think that would work and would probably sell a lot of records.”

“That’s what I was thinking!” Pete said excitedly. “I’m gonna go put this out to the others.” He bounced off into the large crowd.

“I didn’t think it was that great,” Ryan said, watching him.

“Actually, I do,” Spencer said. “It’ll be great for Brendon. And the more musicians that join, the better he’ll feel.”

“Maybe it should be all Fueled By Ramen musicians,” Jon proposed. “I mean, that way we can easily release it on FBR’s label.”

“Yeah, that might be a good idea.”

“But Gee and Frankie,” Ryan protested.

“Maybe their label will let them play,” Jon said with a smile.

“Yeah, I’m sure they will,” Spencer agreed. He smiled, knowing Brendon was going to love this idea. To play with Jon and Ryan again would make it all better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The studio breaks everyone at one point or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has read this so far. I really hope you have been enjoying my first foray into Panic! fandom. This originally was not supposed to be a Joncer fic, but that's what happens sometimes and I really like it. This is the last chapter I have written so far. It may take a bit to write the next chapter, as I'm not even sure where it's going. If anyone has any requests or suggestions, I would love to hear them. Thanks again.

Spencer walked into the lobby of the recording studio after unloading his equipment. Zack had a couple of lackeys there to carry them in and set up his kit. He saw Jon and Dallon tuning their guitars on either side of the room. It wasn’t unusual for Brendon to sequester himself in the studio by himself at first. He nodded to both of them and headed deeper into the studio.

He saw Pete talking to someone in the mixing room. He wasn’t positive who it was. As he walked in, he was shocked to find Ryan turning to face him. He smiled at him, glad he’d gotten there early. He noted that Brendon was sitting in front of his favorite keyboard in the studio. He was just fiddling around, not really playing anything. “So, what’s up first?” he asked Pete, pulling his attention from Brendon.

Before Pete could respond, they heard a loud expletive coming from the studio. They turned to look into the room at Brendon. He had his fingers over the keys and pressed them down, playing several chords before screaming again, standing and flipping his keyboard off onto the floor. “Fuck! I can’t fucking remember the chords!” He began kicking the keyboard while screaming over and over.

Ryan was through the door into the studio quickly, Spencer right behind him. Spencer saw another door open and Jon, Dallon and Zack were coming through looking just as confused. Ryan was first to Brendon, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him back. The keyboard was fairly wrecked. Ryan was beginning to have trouble, so Zack picked him and Brendon up. 

Dallon was looking at the smashed keyboard. “Shit, he really tore the crap out of this.”

Brendon wiggled out of Ryan’s grasp and ran over to kick the keyboard again. “Fucking shit. No help at all.” He stomped out of the room and into the mixing room, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“What the hell caused this?”

Spencer jumped. He hadn’t seen Jon move that close to him. He was so focused on Brendon. “He yelled something about not remembering chords, but I’m not sure what he was trying to play.”

Ryan stepped out of the mixing room where he’d gone to talk to Brendon. “He says he can’t remember any of our songs, or his songs. Nothing.”

“Shit.”

“Sometimes people who suffer losses like Bren did can have lapses like this,” Dallon said as he picked up the keyboard. “I think we can consider this keyboard dead.”

Spencer sighed. “This is not a good start.” He walked into the mixing room to where Brendon was sitting with his feet propped on the console, brooding. “Well, that was so twelve years ago.”

Brendon glared at him then spun the chair away from him. “Get out.”

“Brendon,” Spencer began then moved to lean against the console, standing closer to him. “Bren, we understand. Shit happens. Sometimes the shit is a lot worse than other times.”

“Fuck off, Spencer.” He crossed his arms defiantly over his chest.

Spencer rolled his eyes. This reminded him of when they were recording Fever. Ryan would get upset at Brendon for doing something to his lyrics or anything else stupid and his attitude would just leech onto Brendon and make him into a diva. He was acting like that diva again. “Did you try playing something else?”

“What?” The chair spun and he stopped right in front of him. His face was full of confusion.

“I don’t know? Did you play some Bach or something? Or something of Patrick’s?”

“I, uh…” He scratched his head. “No, I didn’t think to…”

He shook his head. “Right. Maybe you should. It could just be that your brain is freezing on your stuff. You know, memories and shit like that.”

“Huh,” he said contemplatively. “Maybe you have a point.”

And once again, Spencer was the voice of reason. Fuck, that only meant Ryan and Brendon were going to start calling him “Mom” like they did on the Nothing Rhymes with Circus tour. He wanted to groan and put his head in his hands at the thought, but Brendon was hugging him.

“You’re fucking brilliant, Spencer Smith.” He pulled away and grinned before skipping (yes skipping!) back into the studio. Spencer watched him stop and look around curiously, his shoulders slumped when Ryan said something to him so he just picked up a guitar and started playing. Immediately his mood seemed to improve. He could see Ryan smiling, too.

Jon poked his head in the room and smiled. “Whatever you said to him worked.”

“I just reminded him that he should have tried something other than our stuff.” He shrugged and moved over to the doorway. “I have a feeling he and Ryan will be calling me mom again before this is all over.”

Jon chuckled low and threw an arm around his shoulder. “That’s not such a bad thing,” he said as he guided him into the studio. “Now get your kit set up so we can actually play something.” He pushed Spencer towards his drums, smacking his ass as he did.

 

Spencer sat in one of the comfy chairs in the lobby of the studio, headphones in his ears, lightly tapping out rhythms on his legs. He’d queued up the songs they already knew people were going to sing. William had picked “Carry On” by Fun. Gabe Saporta was even going to participate and he’d chosen Fall Out Boy’s “Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet”. Not surprising was Hayley choosing one of their own songs, “Do You Know What I’m Seeing?”

He was completely engrossed in Andy’s rhythms when he felt someone take one of his earpieces out and leaned down to whisper in his ear. “You have to stop Brendon.”

He pressed pause on his iPod and looked up at Ryan as he removed the other headphone. “Why?”

“Because you’re the only one he listens to. You have to make him choose another song.” 

Ryan looked serious. What song could possibly disturb him that much that he didn’t want Brendon to sing it? “What song did he choose?”

Ryan took his iPod and scrolled through the music until he found the track. Spencer huffed, wondering why he couldn’t just tell him, but when he put his headphones back on, he understood why. He didn’t even have to hear Gerard start to sing. The opening piano chords were enough. “Fuck.”

“Exactly,” Ryan said. “He can’t sing that… not in the state he’s in.”

He continued listening, Gerard’s rough voice beginning the opening refrain.

_Turn away_  
If you could get me a drink  
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded 

Spencer sighed. The song was very personal, especially to Gerard. It would be somewhat personal to Brendon now, too. It was about death, death from a disease. “Cancer” was from the perspective of someone who had cancer and how they responded to it. He turned off the music and looked up at Ryan. “Okay, where is he?”

He followed Ryan back to the recording room. Brendon was sitting on the floor with his laptop open. Spencer went in and sat down beside him. “What’s up?”

Brendon looked up and smiled. “Oh hey, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve decided what I’m going to sing on the album. I just can’t decide if I should do it like it’s on the album or how Gee sings it live.”

“Yeah, about that... Are you sure this song is appropriate, Bren?”

His face fell to confusion. “Huh? Why?”

“You do know what the song is about, right? You know what the lyrics mean?”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Ryan came to you?” He continued when Spencer nodded. “Yes, I understand the song, but really, isn’t it beautiful? So emotional and heartfelt. Gerard put a lot into that song. Ray is sending me the piano part and I’m going to play and sing. End of discussion.”

“Don’t be upset with Ryan,” Spencer said finally. “He’s just worried about you. I guess he thought the song was a little too depressing for you to sing.” He shook his head. 

Brendon placed his hand on Spencer’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “I guess it is a little unlike me, but I think maybe that’s what I need to do right now, be very much not me.”

That actually made a lot of sense. He nodded and smiled at him. “Ryan’ll get over it.”

That made Brendon grin. He stood up with his laptop. “Gotta go print this stuff.” He bounced off towards the office.

Spencer sighed deeply, lying back on the floor and closing his eyes. Ryan would get over it. He agreed it was a bit morbid for Brendon to record “Cancer”, but he honestly didn’t care. It was what Brendon wanted to sing, and he was certain it would sound brilliant.

He hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep until he felt someone poking him in his side. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and tried to stifle a yawn as he looked around. Jon stood beside him, hands in his pockets. “How long have I been asleep?” he asked.

Jon shrugged. “I don’t know when you came in here. It’s after seven, though, if that helps. We were going to get some dinner.”

He groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Shit, _nobody_ woke me up? They just left me lying here in the middle of the studio?”

“Looks that way.” Jon held a hand down to him. “You must have been pretty exhausted still.”

He accepted the offered hand and let Jon pull him to his feet. His body ached and he moaned in protest. “I guess so.” He stretched and his joints popped, making Jon give him a concerned look. “Gimme a break, I’m getting old.”

Jon grinned. “I’ll always be older than you, you know.”

“Yet always look younger.” He grinned back. “Yep, I’m the one robbing the cradle, not you.”

They laughed and it felt natural. Jon tugged on the hand he was still holding, pulling Spencer towards him. “We better go before Bren and Ry come looking for us.”

Spencer stepped closer and looked in Jon’s eyes. “Let them,” he said softly before leaning in to kiss him. It was gentle, a pressing of lips, until he felt Jon’s hands on his waist pulling him closer. There was a tongue, hot and wet, sliding across his bottom lip and he readily parted his lips to run his tongue along Jon’s. He put his arms around Jon and held on as they kissed.

They were interrupted by a very familiar deep sigh coming from the doorway. “Seriously? People have to perform in here. Now I’ll never be able to without seeing you two in a serious lip lock.”

Spencer flipped him off as he smiled at Jon, leaning his forehead against his. Jon was smiling back. He kinda liked this, finally getting to share his emotions with someone. And right now the emotion he wanted to share was pure happiness, something he hadn’t felt in so very long. They turned to look at Ryan after he started mumbling. “You’re going to have to get used to it, Ry,” Spencer said.

“Whatever,” he said with a huff as he turned to head towards the lobby where Brendon and Zack were waiting. They did catch a glimpse of a smile on his face.

“He loves it,” Jon said with a smile as he hugged Spencer. “But I do think we need to go. I’m kinda hungry.”

“Me, too,” Spencer agreed. He kissed Jon on the cheek. “I love you, Jon Walker.”

Jon chuckled. “I love you, too, Spencer Smith.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon won't go home. Spencer understands, but he would really like to have his apartment back, so he hatches a plan to get Brendon to finally give up.

It had been two months since Sarah’s death. Jon and Spencer were settling into an amicable routine. Or at least they would if Brendon wasn’t still there.

Brendon still hadn’t gone home. He’d made himself quite comfortable in Spencer’s apartment. Zack had brought him more clothes. His parents and in-laws had already gone home. Everything had settled back to normal except for him.

Spencer had tried everything, but every time the conversation was started, Brendon changed the subject. He just refused to go back to that house where he and Sarah lived. Spencer was getting desperate. He really wanted to start his new life with Jon, but Brendon was making it impossible.

Currently Spencer and Jon were sitting in the kitchen talking over coffee. Brendon was playing Halo in the living room. Spencer was face down on the table, hands in his hair tugging at the strands after hearing Brendon curse about being respawned in the middle of the firefight for the hundredth time. This was really getting ridiculous.

Jon rubbed his back comfortingly as he chuckled at the situation. “Maybe you’ll have some luck while I’m gone.”

His head snapped up and he looked at him with fear in his eyes. “Gone? Where are you going? You said you were going to stay.” His stomach tied itself in knots immediately. Jon couldn’t leave him. Not yet.

Jon leaned forward to kiss his forehead quickly. “I’m just going to go home and get my stuff. Stop worrying. You’re going to get worry lines.”

He groaned in response. “Like I don’t have tons already. You can’t leave me here alone with him. Please take me with you.”

“You aren’t alone. Zack’s here and I’m sure you can get Ryan to help.”

“But they aren’t you,” he whined.

Jon laughed and moved to wrap his arm around his shoulders. He leaned down to kiss Spencer’s jaw. “Maybe you can talk Ryan into taking him for a few days, you come with me to Chicago and then maybe by the time we get back, they’ll hate each other so much Brendon will be begging to go home.”

“Or maybe you and I just stay in Chicago.” He turned to smile at Jon. “Everything would be solved.”

Jon smiled back. “But that would require packing up your entire apartment. Most of my stuff is already packed. And really, would you leave Brendon?”

“No,” he said with a defeated sigh. He rested his chin on his folded hands. “I just would like for him to get out of this early teen stage and back to the adult Brendon.”

"Then do something about that.” Jon kissed his temple as he stood and headed out of the kitchen. Spencer just sighed and lowered his head on his arms.

 

 

“No.”

“Aw, come on, please?”

“No, Spencer,” Ryan repeated. “You should’ve made him leave weeks ago.”

Spencer huffed indignantly. “I tried, but then he gave me the sad eyes.”

Ryan winced. He knew how hard it was to ignore Brendon’s sad eyes. “Sorry,” he muttered then continued, “but that’s not my problem.”

“Ry, it’d only be for a few days, just until we can pack up all of Jon’s stuff and drive back to LA.”

“That is at least a two day drive from Chicago. Then renting the truck and filling it with Jon’s stuff, which, trust me, is a lot, because as you know, he has two cats still… You’re easily looking at a week at the least. I am not willing to take Brendon in for that long. Dan would kill him before day four.”

Spencer sighed. Ryan was right, of course. He was ready to kill Brendon and he’d spent countless years on tour with him. “Fine,” he said finally. “What the fuck am I going to do to get him to go home?”

“Have you and Jon tried making out in front of him?”

“Fuck yes,” he replies irritably. “You know what a voyeur he is. He just sat there watching, chin in his hands all… Jeremy Renner like. It was fucking creepy.”

Ryan laughed. He could just imagine Brendon watching Jon and Spencer going at it. He probably encouraged them to continue and in his mind was hoping they’d get naked in front of him, too. At Spencer’s desperate whine, he reigned in his laughter to chuckles. “Sorry. I just… I got this mental image and it wouldn’t stop.”

“Fuck you.”

“No, seriously, mental image… It was quite funny. I know you went there, too.”

“Ross, shut up.”

Ryan couldn’t stop the huge smile that crossed his face. It had been way too long since Spencer had spoken to him like that. “Love you, Spence.”

Spencer grumbled. “Yeah, yeah. Now stop thinking of Jon and me naked and help me figure out how to get Brendon to go back home.”

“Ah! I knew you were thinking the same thing!”

 

 

Spencer came up with a plan. Granted, it wasn’t the greatest plan, but it was something Brendon easily went along with and he could convince Ryan to take part with a bit of pleading. He had Zack rent a van for them and told each of them to pack for a couple of days, guitars included. It wasn’t a far drive, but hopefully it’d bring them together again and at the same time remind Brendon just why he had a house of his own.

He shoved the last of his drum cases into the back of the van. He’d convinced Zack to fly ahead and meet them there. Spencer’s idea would work. It had to. Jon put the guitar cases on top of the drums then leaned in to kiss his cheek. “Stop fretting,” Jon said before kissing his lips softly.

Spencer sighed. “This has to work, Jon. It has to. One way or the other, this has to convince Bren to go back home.”

“It will either do that or it will solidify his opinion that we need to get back together,” he countered. “Not that I would mind. I just don’t think Ryan would want to. But I could be wrong.”

He wrapped his arms around Jon’s waist and pulled him close, resting his head on his shoulder, kissing his neck softly. “Do you know how much I wanted to do this years ago?”

“What, tour in a van again? That was kinda gross.”

He blew a raspberry against his neck, making Jon laugh, then pulled back and looked at him, a smile on his face. “No, I wanted to hold you like this. Be with you like this. Be fucking happy.”

Jon’s eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Yeah, I think I do, probably as much as I wanted to. But at least we’re together now.”

“Yeah, we are, and that is the best part.”

“Awwww!” They looked in the van to see Brendon peeking at them over the back seat. He had this dreamy smile on his face. “I swear you two are the absolute most perfect couple.”

Jon laughed and Spencer flipped him off, which only made Brendon pout. Spencer sighed. “Are you ready to go?” he asked Brendon.

“Absolutely. Where are we going?”

“Away from here,” he replied, closing the back doors of the van and moving to get in the driver’s seat. Jon climbed into the passenger seat.

Brendon leaned forward between the two front seats. “Where exactly is away from here?”

“Someplace that isn’t LA.”

He huffed in frustration. “And wherever ‘here’ is, we’re going to play?”

Spencer quirked a grin. He was really enjoying teasing Brendon like this. “Possibly. Now sit back so we can go pick up Ryan.”

“Yes, Mom.” Brendon flopped back on the seat, but the grin on his face never strayed.

 

As expected, Ryan was reluctant, but came along anyway, if only to watch Spencer fail at his attempt to get Brendon to go home. Spencer really took that personally until Ryan hugged him and whispered confidentially that he was actually excited to be with them again. That made him smile and he threw in their original mix CD they had taken on their first tour. Everyone smiled at the first chord of “Dead on Arrival”.

After a stop for drinks and snacks, Brendon and Ryan got comfortable in the back seat and started belting out every song on the CD. Jon joined occasionally, much to Spencer’s delight. He drummed on the steering wheel along with the beat as he drove down the highway. The drive normally wouldn’t have taken but about four hours, but he was intentionally taking his time, stopping at every cheesy shop on the road. He was sure Brendon would have figured out where they were going, but he was so wrapped up in just being with them that he didn’t notice or didn’t care.

Jon had taken over driving a few hours ago. Brendon was sacked out, head in Ryan’s lap. Ryan was leaning against the window absently carding his hand through Brendon’s hair as he drifted in and out of sleep. Spencer had his feet propped on the dash. Ahead of them, he could see the lights of the city reflecting off the clouds. “Almost home,” he said softly.

“Yep,” Jon replied. “I need a break.” He pulled off the side of the road and quietly got out of the van, moving around to lean against the front, the heat from the engine keeping him warm in the desert night.

Spencer leaned beside him, looking up at the stars. “I probably should call Mom and let her know we’re almost there.” Jon nodded from beside him and he pushed himself away from the van and walked a few feet away from the road. He could feel that Jon was watching his every step. He’d left the headlights on, so there was a little light.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed the number. “Hey, Mom,” he said when she answered.

“Hi sweetheart,” Ginger Smith said with her usual enthusiasm. “I take it you’re close?”

“Yeah, just outside of Vegas. We can see the lights pretty good now. Um, I’m really sorry this is such short notice. I owe you.”

“It’s all right. I have the girls’ room, the guest room and your room ready. Are you sure that’s all you need? Did Ryan back out on you?”

“No, Mom, he’s here. He told me the other day he can’t wait to see you. Ry’ll sleep in the twin’s room, Brendon in the guest room and Jon and I will take my room.”

There was a pause and he nearly winced as he waited for her to realize what he’d said. “Finally,” she said in relief. “Your father owes me a coke.”

He blinked at the phone in shock. “What?”

He could hear the smile on her face. “You’ve always been easy to read, Spencer. I saw how you would watch Jon. I’m happy for you. When you and Haley broke up, I felt certain you’d call one day and say you were moving to Chicago.”

He could feel his face turning red. “Mom! I never mentioned this to anyone. How could you tell?”

“Ryan knew, didn’t he?” When he didn’t respond, she took that as a yes and continued. “We know you too well, sweetheart. And I can tell from your voice that you’re even happier than you’ve ever been. We’re looking forward to seeing you. Did you tell Crystal and Jackie you were coming?”

He snorted. “Yeah, I knew better than not to. They’ll be over tomorrow.”

“Okay. We’ll see you soon then. Love you, Spencer.”

“Love you, too, Mom.” He ended the call and smiled as he walked back to the van.

“Everything cool?” Jon asked.

“Yeah. Are they still asleep?”

“Sugar coma, I think,” Jon replied with a grin. He reached out to pull Spencer closer. “Are you ready for this, for any backlash this may cause from either of them? Are you ready for your family to know about us?”

“I’m ready for all of it,” he replied, smiling. “In fact, Mom already knows. She said she knew a long time ago.”

Jon looked up in surprise. “She did? And she’s okay with it?”

He nodded. “More than okay. I’m sure you’re already a part of the Smith family.”

The corners of Jon’s mouth upturned into a huge smile. “Good. I have always wanted to be a part of your family.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home, sweet home. The boys arrive at the Smith home and find a link to their past they thought was long gone.

Spencer pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house. His driveway; or it had been long ago. He saw the front porch light turn on and knew his mother was at the door waiting on them. Taking a deep breath, he looked over at Jon, who was smiling at him. He smiled back then leaned towards him, grabbing his arm to pull him close for a kiss.

There was stirring in the back seat and Brendon sat up, stretching and yawning. “Are we there yet?” he asked, grinning before opening his eyes. They widened as he clamored to the window. “Are we…? Is that…? Spencer!”

He turned to look at him. “Yes, Brendon? Ever heard of using complete sentences?”

Brendon glared, putting a hand on his cocked hip. “Why the fuck are we at your mom’s house?”

“It’s my dad’s too, y’know,” Spencer countered, trying to keep the grin off his face.

Ryan had awoken and was pushing Brendon out of the way to get out of the van. He muttered something about having to pee, but he picked up his bag and headed towards the house. The others watched as Mrs. Smith opened the door and pulled Ryan into a tight hug then disappeared inside with him.

Jon decided that maybe he should get out and head inside, too. The moment his door closed, Brendon moved into his seat. “Why are we here?” he asked again.

Spencer shrugged. “I just thought maybe that coming here would help. I mean, the familiar stuff, y’know? I’m trying to get us a gig at that club we used to play way back when. Just a one night thing.”

“Really?” Brendon asked. At Spencer’s nod, he leaned over and hugged him. “Thank you, Spence. This is awesome. You are awesome.”

From the back of the van where Jon had opened the door to get his bag and guitar, he called through the vehicle, “Hey, hands off my boyfriend.”

Brendon and Spencer laughed. Brendon let him go and jumped out of the van, grabbing his bag and heading into the house. Spencer got out and went to help Jon at the back. “Are you ready?”

Jon handed Spencer his bag and Brendon’s guitar case. “Ready as I ever will. I love your mom, and she’s always loved me. It’ll be cool.”

Spencer kissed his cheek as he leaned to grab Ryan’s guitar. “Yeah, it’ll be cool.” They closed up the van and headed in the house. Spencer’s mom met them at the door. She hugged him first then hugged Jon.

“Sorry to keep you up so late, Mrs. Smith,” Jon said as he awkwardly hugged her back with his full hands.

“It’s no problem, dear,” she said, hugging him tightly. “By the way, I’m so happy to see you and Spencer together. It really is about time.”

He chuckled and disengaged himself from her. “Yeah, we’ve had quite a few people tell us that. Guess we both were a bit blind to it.”

Spencer nudged him towards the basement stairs. “Go to bed, Mom. We’ve got it from here.” He leaned to kiss her cheek and she smiled and headed back to her room. Spencer dropped his bag by the stairs going up and took the guitars down to the basement where they had practiced for so long.

At the bottom of the stairs, he stopped for two reasons. One was that Ryan and Brendon were standing in his way. The second was because he was looking around the room much as everyone else was. There was Panic! memorabilia everywhere. Some of the backdrop from the Nothing Rhymes with Circus tour was tacked up on the far wall. Part of the flashing lights, the Panic! in particular, was hanging on the wall with the mirror. There were the platinum records for “I Write Sins Not Tragedies and “A Fever You Can Sweat Out” and the gold “Nine in the Afternoon”. There was Spencer’s copy of their first contract, Pete’s, Ryan’s, Brendon’s, Brent’s and his signatures at the bottom of the frame. 

Ryan moved over to pick up their VMA award. “Huh, I wondered who had this.”

“Where the hell did your mom get all this?” Brendon asked.

Spencer shook his head. “I mean, some is mine, but I didn’t know the set from the Circus tour was even still around.”

“Maybe she picked it up on eBay or something,” Jon suggested.

“I’ll ask her tomorrow. I seriously need some sleep.” Spencer put down the guitars in his hands and turned back towards the stairs. “Oh, Bren, you’ve got the guest room, and Ry, you’re in the twins room.”

Jon followed closely behind him. It had been quite a while since he’d been in the Smith’s house. They picked up their bags and climbed the stairs. At the top, Jon slipped his hand into Spencer’s and was rewarded with a smile. They entered Spencer’s bedroom and dropped their bags, grasping for each other, arms wrapping around each other and lips crushing together. 

They parted for air and Spencer giggled. “You’re the first person I’ve ever kissed in my bedroom.”

Jon chuckled. “Then I am honored.” He rested his hands on his hips, holding him close. “Are we really getting sleep tonight?” he asked.

Spencer nodded. “I’m exhausted from all that driving and worrying about Brendon. He’s worse than a baby for making you tired. Always has been.”

Jon nodded. He knew that to be true. Brendon was a perpetual child. He could be an adult sometimes, especially when it meant he could get alcohol. He gave Spencer another kiss and picked his bag up again. “I’m going to claim the bathroom before Bren gets up here. I’ll be back.”

“Don’t threaten me like that,” Spencer teased, slapping Jon’s ass as he walked from the room. He turned back to look at his room. It hadn’t changed much at all. The quilt his grandmother had made was on his bed, which made him happy. He opened his bag, pulled out his pajama pants and changed into them. Moving to the bed, he pulled back the quilt and laughed when he saw the extremely worn Batman sheets. His mom obviously had a sense of humor. 

He felt a pair of strong arms slide around his waist and a bearded chin rest on his bare shoulder. He smiled at how natural this was and at how giddy he felt with Jon so close. He sighed and leaned his head back. “Sorry about the sheets,” he apologized. 

Jon turned his head to place a soft kiss on Spencer’s exposed neck. “I happen to like Batman.”

He had to laugh as he turned around to look him in the eye. “So do I. And we get to sleep in Batman sheets tonight.” He kissed him softly. “And I really need some sleep.”

“Then let’s get into those Batman sheets so you can sleep.” Jon walked him over to the bed and crawled in, holding up the sheet for Spencer to join him. 

Spencer climbed in and curled up behind Jon. “Thanks for this,” he whispered softly as he nuzzled his neck. “I’m really glad we finally admitted everything.”

“Me, too,” Jon replied. He pulled Spencer’s arm tighter around him. “It finally feels right. Good night, Spencer.”

“Good night, Jon.”

 

Spencer woke up and rolled to see what time it was. The bright red numbers on his clock said 3:28am. His bladder was screaming, so he untangled himself from Jon and headed to the bathroom. After washing his hands, he could hear soft voices coming from Ryan’s room. He knocked lightly on the door from the bathroom and opened the door slightly. “Hey, everything okay?”

It got quiet for a moment before Ryan replied. “Bren couldn’t sleep. We were just talking about stuff.”

“Okay,” he replied. “You two did sleep a lot in the van.”

Brendon chuckled. “Well, you drive so well.”

“Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not. Well, I’m off to sleep more. G’night.”

“Good morning,” they said in unison then dissolved into fits of soft giggles.

Spencer rolled his eyes as he closed the door and headed back to his room. “Everything okay?” Jon asked as he climbed back into the bed.

“Yeah. Bren couldn’t sleep, so he and Ryan were up talking. That’s pretty cool, since that’s what they used to always do.”

“Mmm,” Jon mused. “That is good. So, let’s go back to sleep.”

“Yeah.” Spencer snuggled back up against him and quickly fell asleep.

 

Spencer woke up in an empty bed, well empty except for him. His clock told him it was 9:40. Wow, he’d slept a lot. He got up and pulled on a t-shirt before heading down to the kitchen. Her could hear voices coming from there and was curious who all was in the house. He stepped into the warm, inviting kitchen and saw something that really warmed his heart.

Crystal and Jackie were home. They were surrounded by Ryan, Brendon and Jon. They were all talking and laughing. His mom was at the stove cooking pancakes. There was a pot of coffee waiting. He leaned against the doorway, just taking it all in. 

Eventually he moved in to get a cup of coffee. His mother saw him and smiled. “Morning, sweetheart.”

“Morning, Mom.” He leaned and kissed her cheek as he grabbed a mug from the cabinet.

“Spencer!”

He jumped a little when everyone called his name at once. Smiling, he turned just in time to be assaulted by his sisters. “This has to be the best idea you’ve ever had, Spence,” Jackie said.

“It’s better than any idea he’s ever had in his life,” Crystal agreed.

“Aw, come on, I’m sure he’s had lots of good ideas,” Jon added.

The girls turned to face him. “Yeah, I think there is at least one. Right Jackie?”

Jackie smiled. “One. And that one was falling in love with Jon Walker.”

Spencer blushed furiously. He couldn’t believe his sisters were calling him out for falling in love with Jon. He glanced over to see Jon blushing as much as he was. That made him smile. Moving to Jon’s side, he slid his arm around his waist. “Okay, I have to agree with that one.” His smile widened when he felt Jon’s arm going around him.

Jackie and Crystal squealed in delight. “Ohmygodtheyaresocute!”

Behind him, Spencer heard Brendon and Ryan bust out laughing. He flipped them off behind his back and rolled his eyes at his sisters. “Good grief, does anyone mind if I have some coffee before you two start planning our wedding or whatever?”

Now everyone was laughing and Spencer smiled as he moved over to the coffee maker and poured the dark liquid into his cup. He reached for the sugar only to find Jon’s hand reaching for his mug. “I can make my own coffee,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah,” Jon replied, “but you really like it when I make it.”

Spencer sighed dramatically and handed over his cup. Jon added the perfect amount of sugar and milk, exactly how he liked it. He noted as he did every time that the color matched Jon’s eyes. He took a sip then kissed Jon before moving over to the table to sit down. His mother placed a plate of pancakes in front of him and he smiled up at her.

“Someone insult Spence,” Ryan said. “He hasn’t stopped smiling. It’s getting disgusting.”

Jon snorted. “You mean like you when you talk about Captain Knotts?”

“Hey, leave my cat out of this.” Ryan frowned.

 

After breakfast, Spencer recruited everyone into helping him carry his kit inside so he could set it up and they could practice. Zack arrived by lunch and said he’d made progress on getting them a gig. That got Brendon excited and he wanted to rehearse all afternoon.

Ryan’s hands were sore and bleeding by dinner. Spencer felt like his shoulders were going to fall off. Brendon’s voice was raw. Jon was the only one who was in one piece. All Spencer wanted to do was have a long, hot bath. After dinner, he dragged himself up the stairs and grabbed his pajamas before heading to the bathroom. He closed the door and turned around, immediately jumping into the air. 

Jon snickered as he ran the water into the tub. “When are you going to stop jumping around me?”

“Whenever you stop sneaking up on me,” Spencer said, clutching his chest still. “Jesus fuck, why are you so fucking quiet? And why are you in here?”

“You said you needed a bath, so I thought that maybe…”

He laughed. This was probably the most romantic thing ever, and it was happening in his parent’s house. “You fucker,” he said low and deep as he grabbed Jon and kissed him.

Jon climbed in first and then Spencer settled between his legs, lying back against his chest. “Wow, you are tense. Was it that bad playing with us?”

“God no,” Spencer said with a sigh. “I’ve just not played that much for quite a while.” 

He wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. “Then you might want to stretch before playing, you know, like you do before running.”

Spencer giggled. “Yeah, might have to start working out.”

“Oh, working out, huh? I think I can help with that.”

He smiled brightly and turned to look at him. “Yeah, I think you can, too.” He kissed him with his entire being.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The concert looms closer and Spencer realizes that Jon and Ryan might not be able to play with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this chapter taking so long. I got halfway through and it stopped. I'm also working on 2 other multi-chapter stories and have a few one-shots running through my head. This is a good thing, trust me. Thanks again for reading!

Spencer sat with Jon on the back steps of the house. They had been in Vegas for three days. The sun was setting over the horizon, the smoke from Jon’s cigarette making it look hazy. He glanced over at Jon, watching his lips wrap around the filter, his chest rise as he inhaled deeply, then the wisp of smoke as he exhaled. He was so wrapped up in watching the repeating show that he didn’t even notice Jon had spoken. “What?” he said when Jon bumped him with his shoulder.

“I said that I wasn’t even sure Ryan and I would be able to sing any of these songs in public. I thought about that today. I mean, technically we still get residuals from the sales, but you and Bren kept the name, so they’re your songs.” He took one more drag of his cigarette and then put it out on the step, tossing the butt into the trash can nearby.

“I thought of that,” he replied. “Crystal looked it up for me. So, what we’re going to do is play as a Panic! cover band.”

Jon looked at him skeptically. “What? A cover band? But everyone will know it’s us.”

He shook his head. “We’re going to wear the Circus makeup.” Jon groaned. “I know, but seriously, you looked totally hot with the thick eyeliner.” He grinned at him and shoved his shoulder into him.

He smiled. “But you really think that’ll work? Brendon’s voice is rather distinct.”

He sighed and frowned. “Stop taking the air out of my tires. You’re ruining my epic idea.”

“Sorry,” Jon said, wrapping his arms around Spencer and hugging him tight. “I just tend to think about these things.”

“I know.” He leaned into Jon, resting his head on his shoulder. “You’ve always done this. And I’m grateful that you think like that. We’re pretty much only practicing music from when you and Ryan were with us. It really shouldn’t be that hard, and we’re not playing Sins or Nine.”

He nodded, thinking on what Spencer had said. “But if we’re a cover band, wouldn’t we want to play those songs? The popular ones?”

He had a point. “Fuck. I didn’t even think of that.”

Jon kissed the top of his head. “You’ll think of something. You always do.”

 

Spencer woke up early the next morning and decided to go for a run. Being out in the crisp morning air cleared his head and allowed him to think. He still hadn’t come up with anything to make it so Jon and Ryan could play with them. That was a shame, because they were sounding really good, like they did when they were at the cabin. Thankfully Ryan hadn’t set his guitar on fire yet. Then again, the lack of certain extra-curricular drugs had kept their antics at a minimum. 

Yesterday, he had spied Ryan and Brendon sitting huddled over Ryan’s lyric notebook. He would grateful if a new song came out of this. He would be even happier if Ryan agreed to come back and record with them again. He wouldn’t ask him to tour with them, but if he would just be a collaborator on the album… It sounded silly in his head, but his heart longed for the days when they were best friends and band mates.

He felt his calves burning as he made the last turn up his street. He saw Zack’s car out front and was surprised he was there, especially this early. He slowed down to a walk as he approached the house. When he opened the front door, he heard voices in the living room.

Jon heard him enter and looked up with a smile. “Hey, Spence, come here.” 

He moved over and Jon leaned in to kiss him. “Ew, I’m all sweaty from running,” he said in protest.

“Yeah, and you’re usually all sweaty after sex, too,” Jon retorted.

“Boundaries, guys!” Zack said with a chuckle and a smile. “Geez, am I going to have to make an amendment to my contract?” 

“Sorry, Zack, I don’t share Spencer.” Jon smiled, putting an arm possessively around Spencer’s waist.

Spencer rolled his eyes, dismissing the entire conversation. “So, what did you need? Besides a kiss, that is.”

“Zack and I have been talking and we’ve about figured out what we’re going to do.”

Zack nodded and took over. “So, that place you guys used to play when you were kids no longer exists. Sucks, I know, but that was almost fifteen years ago, you know. Anyway, I was able to find the guy that used to book you gigs, thanks to Ryan. Seems he now owns a club in Summerlin. That is to our advantage.”

“Yeah, it won’t look as odd for your parents of Bren’s parents to go in,” Jon explained. “He said he won’t promote at all. He does this for local bands already, let them promote on their own. That means no expense for him and he can keep the cover low so the kids can come see the bands.”

“Okay,” Spencer says with a nod, “but how does this mean that you and Ryan can play with us?”

“Because we’re four friends just jamming together, singing some of their old songs. That and I got Brendon to call the label and make an addendum to your current contract that allows any former members to perform songs on which they were involved.”

He looked at Jon in shock. “You are fucking brilliant!”

“Actually, that was a collective idea between Zack and me,” he said with a smirk. “And it means everything will be fine. We’ll play a little show in a club for a few people and family and then head back home to LA.”

He looked between Jon and Zack, smiling brightly. “That is awesome. Let me go shower and then we can tell Bren.” He kissed Jon and headed up the stairs.

 

Brendon had never been this bouncy before a show. Spencer was actually worried that he might hurt himself, or someone else, like Ryan. Ryan was spending most of his time before the show hiding behind Dan and as far away from Brendon as possible, which was maybe five feet because Dan actually intimidated Brendon. 

“You let him have sugar, didn’t you?” Jon smirked as he kissed Spencer’s jaw from over his shoulder. “You have known for a long time that’s a bad idea.”

Spencer smiled and turned to kiss him properly. “There is no way I would ever give Brendon sugar before a show. You and I both know that. He must have gotten some on his own.”

Crystal and Jackie approached them, looking chagrinned. “One lousy piece of gum,” Crystal said. “He got this hyper off of one piece of gum! I’m sorry Spence.”

Spencer pulled his sisters into a hug. “It’s okay. Hopefully he’ll calm down soon so we can actually get this thing done.”

Jackie reached out to pull Jon into the hug. “C’mon, this is a Smith family tradition, Jon. Pre-concert hug when they play in Vegas.”

Jon let himself be pulled to them, wrapping his arms around Spencer and Jackie. “I remember,” he said with a smile. “Brendon tried getting us to do that every time after we came through on the Circus tour.”

“It didn’t fly because of one certain person. But we did start hugging after concerts, well, until…” Spencer broke off, frowning. The last tour with Ryan and Jon had been stressful. They had changed so many things by then.

Jon leaned over to kiss Spencer’s temple. “That was a long time ago. Things are much better now.”

“PRE-CONCERT HUG!” Brendon pounced them, crawling into the middle of their circle.

Spencer looked over at Ryan and motioned for him to join them. Dan had to nudge him, but he did come over and join the hug. Dan even stood behind Ryan and wrapped his arms around all of them. He really was a giant compared to them.

Zack entered the room and smiled when he saw them all together. “They’re ready,” he said and they all stepped apart. Jackie and Crystal hugged Spencer and Jon before they left. Dan was having a quiet conversation with Ryan, their heads together, Dan looking him in the eye. Spencer found himself a little jealous that Dan meant more than he ever did to Ryan. 

“Hey, you still mean a lot to him.”

Spencer turned to Jon, smiling softly. “How do you always know what I’m thinking?”

Jon chuckled. “Because you always broadcast your feelings to me?” He kissed Spencer’s cheek. “Seriously, though, you will always and forever be his best friend.”

“I hope so,” Spencer said with a sigh. “It’s been tough without him. I mean, we’ve known each other for forever. When that friendship just… died, I didn’t know what to do.”

“What about me? I lost you and then not long after that, I lost him, too.”

He wrapped his arms around Jon, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “I know. I’m really sorry. I can’t say that enough.”

Jon pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I know,” he said softly. “Now come on. We have a show to do.”

Spencer nodded and reluctantly pulled away from Jon. He turned to see Ryan handing him his sticks, a huge smile on his face. He took his sticks and then hugged Ryan tightly. He felt a smaller, harder body wiggling in between them, but he wasn’t going to give Brendon an inch. Ryan relented first, allowing the lead singer to join their hug. “Can we just go on stage like this?” Brendon asked.

“No,” Jon said, making Spencer and Ryan chuckle.

Spencer let go and bounced a couple of times on the balls of his feet. “Let’s go. I’m ready to play.” He smiled and left them, heading out to play to the smallest crowd they’d played for in years. Tonight was going to be great.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends forever to the bitter end, we are now together again.

  


Spencer felt amazing. That was the best concert ever. They took a bow together on stage, their adoring fans, mostly family, cheering loudly. He turned to walk off the stage, flicking the collar on his shirt. Yeah, tonight was going to be good. Suddenly, he felt a familiar weight on his back, long and spindly.

“Holy fuck, Spence, that was awesome,” Ryan said from over Spencer’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Spencer’s neck as his friend carried him back stage.

Spencer couldn’t help laughing. This felt right. To have Ryan back was almost as good as Jon being back. Almost. He carried Ryan into the dressing room and dumped him on the couch. Jon arrived with Brendon on his back. “Oops, Ryan started something, didn’t he?”

Jon laughed. “Yeah, but it’s kinda okay.” 

Zack appeared in the doorway. “Uh, they’re calling for another encore. What do you want to do?”

Brendon bounced over to Ryan. “You wanna?”

Ryan grinned and nodded. “Yeah, let’s do it.” He grabbed his acoustic guitar and headed back to the stage.

“Wait, where are you going?” Spencer asked.

Brendon grabbed Spencer by the face and kissed him. “It’s a surprise. Come listen.” He took him by the hand and dragged him to the stage, Jon following behind.

Several chairs were brought out on the stage and Brendon grabbed his guitar as well. He sat down beside Ryan, almost bouncing out of the seat in excitement. Leaning towards the microphone, he spoke into it. “So, would you like to hear some new music?” 

The crowd went WILD! Ryan was grinning like an idiot as he tuned his guitar. “So, Brendon and I wrote this recently. I hope you like it.” He started playing several chords, Brendon joining in.

 

_Once upon a time, I knew you once upon a time_  
 _Back when things were great_  
 _We had the world at our feet_  
 _Together we kept the beat_

_But then came the hate_  
 _Then came the pain_  
 _I don’t know what happened_  
 _But everything changed_

_Together again, we never will be_  
 _The darkness had come and the light had faded_  
 _The hate festered, I thought it was me_  
 _Never friends, ever again_

_The impossible can always happen_  
 _Forever when you least expect_  
 _When one of us is sad and alone_  
 _We come together and stand as one_

_And we remember the times that we had_  
 _We remember the love we shared_  
 _And we sing of the past and look to the future_  
 _We sing and we sing and we sing and finally_

_We are together again_  
 _From the darkest times_  
 _To the brightest days_  
 _Friends forever to the bitter end_  
 _We are now together again_

  


Spencer looked over at Jon as he listened to the lyrics. Jon was staring open mouthed at Brendon and Ryan. He turned his attention to his friends and suddenly felt the joy they were projecting through the song. The last chord echoed and the only thing Spencer could see or hear was his friends. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck. He felt something wet against his cheek and realized he was crying.

He could feel Ryan’s grin against his skin. “That was for you and Jon,” he said. “The song just flowed like it used to, Spence. I’m getting ideas for new stuff. It’s all because of you.”

He shook his head in disbelief. It couldn’t be because of him. He felt Ryan clutch him tighter as if he thought Spencer might disappear. No, Spencer wasn’t going to disappear. Not this time. He really didn’t realize just how much he missed Ryan in his life until this very moment. He even surprised himself when he choked out that he was sorry.

And Ryan, being Ryan and his best friend since they were kids, knew exactly what he meant with his apology. “It wasn’t just your fault, Spence. I’m just as much at fault. My pig headed ego got the best of me, but not anymore. I’ve realized how much I need you in my life. You and Brendon. And yes, even Jon. Dan told me I needed you, they all did, but I wouldn’t listen. I’m listening now and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I can’t lose you again, Spencer James Smith.”

“You won’t.” He was clinging tightly to Ryan. He didn’t want to let go, not yet, but Jon whispered in his ear and he turned to kiss him, bringing one hand up to tangle in his hair.

Ryan really didn’t want to be in the middle of this, so he pulled away from Spencer. He smiled as he watched his friends kiss. Everything felt right with the world. He felt a hand slip into his and looked over to see Brendon watching with a smile on his face. “We might want to get them off the stage,” he suggested.

Brendon shook his head. “Nah, let them have their moment.” He tugged on Ryan’s hand and pulled him off the stage.

Jon had to finally break the kiss in order to breathe. He couldn’t believe Spencer wanted to keep going. “Hey, um, you do know we’re still on stage, right?”

“I don’t fucking care,” he replied while peppering kisses along Jon’s jaw. “I have my best friend back. I have the man that I love. There isn’t much that could make this day better.” 

“How about having Ryan and me back in the band.”

Spencer stopped and looked into Jon’s beautiful brown eyes. “Are you serious?”

Jon smiled and nodded. “Brendon told me while you were blubbering on Ryan. The contract is being written as we speak.”

“Don’t want to speak,” he replied, a huge smile on his face. “Wanna kiss my favorite band mate.”

Jon laughed, but picked him up and carried him off the stage. Panic! at the Disco was back to being one big, happy family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. This is my first completed bandom multi-chaptered fic. I'm kinda excited. By the way, the song is mine. Yes, I wrote it myself. Thanks again for all of your support.


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